I didn't come to Breitenbush for the Labyrinth. Last time I was here, I didn't even bother finding it. But when I see that the field is completely empty except for me, I decide to see what all the fuss is about. I remember reading something about these kinds of "labyrinths" being some sort of physical representation of a spiritual journey to your inner self or some shit like that.
So I stand at the beginning of the path and say a little prayer about helping me find me, I take a deep breath, and I take one intentional step on the little gravel path.
A few paces later, I realize I'm on the wrong path. This path is NEXT to the labyrinth, not part of the labyrinth. In case anyone is watching, I decide to pretend like I meant to go this way all along and follow the gravel path down to the river bank. I stay a few moments before going back to the REAL labyrinth to try again.
I look around to make sure this is in fact the beginning of the labyrinth. I pause to pray, breathe, and step into the labyrinth. I feel ridiculous. I'm slowly walking along this narrow path in the middle of a field, lined with rocks and wildflowers that have closed up for the evening. I let my hands brush the tops of the flower buds. About halfway around the first lap, I don't feel enlightened yet and I consider jumping the path and going back to my swing to sit and watch the babbling brook. But I sense that I'm supposed to stay inside these lines.
Some Wisdom inside of me says, "Stay on the path. This is your path. Your healing journey. Your Journey of the Warrior. Your path of the hero. You didn't know it would be like this when you started out, but it's just for you. You can't skip ahead, or you'll miss the pain. If you miss the pain, you'll miss the lesson, you'll miss your story."
I think maybe I can just speed this up by walking faster. My inside Wisdom says, "You can't go too fast, or you'll miss the scenery -- the gifts that are waiting for you along the way. Little treasures I've dropped for you to discover." I look down and see a beetle. A damn beetle is my gift? I hate nature. I consider stopping to watch my beetle gift, but my Wisdom doesn't want that either. "But don't go too slowly either. You'll get stuck and forget which way you were heading and miss the years in between when you were waiting."
My eyes wander to the center of the labyrinth to try to determine how far I have left to walk. "Just stay on the path. Just keep taking the next step. Only worry about taking the next step in front of you. Don't worry about those steps you'll take over there. You're not there yet. You're here. Be present here, right here, for this step you're taking right now. You know the end of your journey is there. You have the destination in your mind. Maybe you can see it. But seeing it does not mean you're there yet. So stay here, in this moment."
I look up and it feels like I've gone down this part of the path before. The direction is identical. The scenery is identical. I think for a moment that I've accidentally stepped over a line somewhere and I'm just repeating a part of the labyrinth I've already been on. But the Wisdom inside tells me, "It just feels the same. It feels like you're back at the beginning because everything is so familiar. But you're not starting from scratch this time. Yes, you have to go this way again, but you're closer to the center this time than you were before. Just keep going. No matter how many times it feels like you've been here before, this is a new moment, and a new part of the path."
I see that the path turns sharply up ahead, and I think that my journey is coming to an end around this corner. As impatient as I was to get this over with when I started out, I'm suddenly aware that I don't want this time to end just yet. I'm learning so much about my healing and myself by walking on this path. I still have more to learn, and I want to continue the journey! I take a breath and turn the corner. But instead of leading me to the center, this section of the path is just next to the center. Relief. My lessons are not completed. My journey is not done. The path suddenly turns again and leads me away from the center, in a direction I had not anticipated! I'm now walking AWAY from the center, which absolutely feels counterproductive! "Follow the path. You think you know where it will lead you, but it goes a different way."
Finally, I turn another corner and the path leads me to the center of the labyrinth. "But not before you were ready."
I stand in the middle of this stone maze. Mission accomplished. Now what? There's no clear path out of here! There are no directions! What is expected of me?? Am I supposed to turn around and un-do what I've just done by following the entire thing back out? Is that what other people do? I pretend to be meditative while I go through my options.
I turn around and follow the path I just came down. But I pause at the "X" in the stones. If I step over this X, it would take me straight back to the beginning of this entire thing, and I could go back to my swing. Or I could spend another half an hour retracing my steps of this labyrinth. But what if one of these things is some sort of inner-self-finding no-no, and someone sees me doing it wrong? Then they would know I'm an imposter, pretending to be spiritual!
"This is your path. No one else can tell you that your path is wrong, because it is not theirs. There is no 'wrong' path for you, because it is yours to create."
If my entire life of becoming who I am now has gotten me to where I am right now, with all of this unmanageability, depression, and constant pain, then maybe it's time I un-become what I have worked so hard to become. Maybe it's time I stopped listening to what others expect of me, and stop filling my own head with assumed expectations? What if this version of Genevieve is the imposter, not because I'm doing life wrong, but because I failed to be true to myself and become myself? What if I was too busy with trying to be the woman and mother and wife and Christian that this book or teacher or pastor said I should be, and I forgot to find out who my Creator made me to be?
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, let it out as I open my eyes, and I step over the X that kept me trapped inside the labyrinth. I forge a new path for myself. It's not right, and it's not wrong. It's just mine. I feel powerful breaking the labyrinth rules. Like I really am the hero of my own story.
This is me, un-becoming.
I am shedding the sandy ground of expectations and burdens and codependency that my relationships and my life have been built on. I need to deconstruct my life and myself all the way down to the ground so that the new foundation I build is true and solid.
This process of un-becoming the old me so that I can be transformed into the real me is going to be bumpy. I won't do it perfectly, and I'll make mistakes in relationships along the way. I'll learn and grow by falling down and getting back up. But I will not abandon myself again. I will not reject myself to save a relationship, even my marriage.
I would rather be hated for who I truly am, than loved for someone I never was meant to be.
I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea. I'd rather be the right people's glass of champagne anyway.
So I stand at the beginning of the path and say a little prayer about helping me find me, I take a deep breath, and I take one intentional step on the little gravel path.
A few paces later, I realize I'm on the wrong path. This path is NEXT to the labyrinth, not part of the labyrinth. In case anyone is watching, I decide to pretend like I meant to go this way all along and follow the gravel path down to the river bank. I stay a few moments before going back to the REAL labyrinth to try again.
I look around to make sure this is in fact the beginning of the labyrinth. I pause to pray, breathe, and step into the labyrinth. I feel ridiculous. I'm slowly walking along this narrow path in the middle of a field, lined with rocks and wildflowers that have closed up for the evening. I let my hands brush the tops of the flower buds. About halfway around the first lap, I don't feel enlightened yet and I consider jumping the path and going back to my swing to sit and watch the babbling brook. But I sense that I'm supposed to stay inside these lines.
Some Wisdom inside of me says, "Stay on the path. This is your path. Your healing journey. Your Journey of the Warrior. Your path of the hero. You didn't know it would be like this when you started out, but it's just for you. You can't skip ahead, or you'll miss the pain. If you miss the pain, you'll miss the lesson, you'll miss your story."
I think maybe I can just speed this up by walking faster. My inside Wisdom says, "You can't go too fast, or you'll miss the scenery -- the gifts that are waiting for you along the way. Little treasures I've dropped for you to discover." I look down and see a beetle. A damn beetle is my gift? I hate nature. I consider stopping to watch my beetle gift, but my Wisdom doesn't want that either. "But don't go too slowly either. You'll get stuck and forget which way you were heading and miss the years in between when you were waiting."
My eyes wander to the center of the labyrinth to try to determine how far I have left to walk. "Just stay on the path. Just keep taking the next step. Only worry about taking the next step in front of you. Don't worry about those steps you'll take over there. You're not there yet. You're here. Be present here, right here, for this step you're taking right now. You know the end of your journey is there. You have the destination in your mind. Maybe you can see it. But seeing it does not mean you're there yet. So stay here, in this moment."
I look up and it feels like I've gone down this part of the path before. The direction is identical. The scenery is identical. I think for a moment that I've accidentally stepped over a line somewhere and I'm just repeating a part of the labyrinth I've already been on. But the Wisdom inside tells me, "It just feels the same. It feels like you're back at the beginning because everything is so familiar. But you're not starting from scratch this time. Yes, you have to go this way again, but you're closer to the center this time than you were before. Just keep going. No matter how many times it feels like you've been here before, this is a new moment, and a new part of the path."
I see that the path turns sharply up ahead, and I think that my journey is coming to an end around this corner. As impatient as I was to get this over with when I started out, I'm suddenly aware that I don't want this time to end just yet. I'm learning so much about my healing and myself by walking on this path. I still have more to learn, and I want to continue the journey! I take a breath and turn the corner. But instead of leading me to the center, this section of the path is just next to the center. Relief. My lessons are not completed. My journey is not done. The path suddenly turns again and leads me away from the center, in a direction I had not anticipated! I'm now walking AWAY from the center, which absolutely feels counterproductive! "Follow the path. You think you know where it will lead you, but it goes a different way."
Finally, I turn another corner and the path leads me to the center of the labyrinth. "But not before you were ready."
I stand in the middle of this stone maze. Mission accomplished. Now what? There's no clear path out of here! There are no directions! What is expected of me?? Am I supposed to turn around and un-do what I've just done by following the entire thing back out? Is that what other people do? I pretend to be meditative while I go through my options.
I turn around and follow the path I just came down. But I pause at the "X" in the stones. If I step over this X, it would take me straight back to the beginning of this entire thing, and I could go back to my swing. Or I could spend another half an hour retracing my steps of this labyrinth. But what if one of these things is some sort of inner-self-finding no-no, and someone sees me doing it wrong? Then they would know I'm an imposter, pretending to be spiritual!
"This is your path. No one else can tell you that your path is wrong, because it is not theirs. There is no 'wrong' path for you, because it is yours to create."
If my entire life of becoming who I am now has gotten me to where I am right now, with all of this unmanageability, depression, and constant pain, then maybe it's time I un-become what I have worked so hard to become. Maybe it's time I stopped listening to what others expect of me, and stop filling my own head with assumed expectations? What if this version of Genevieve is the imposter, not because I'm doing life wrong, but because I failed to be true to myself and become myself? What if I was too busy with trying to be the woman and mother and wife and Christian that this book or teacher or pastor said I should be, and I forgot to find out who my Creator made me to be?
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, let it out as I open my eyes, and I step over the X that kept me trapped inside the labyrinth. I forge a new path for myself. It's not right, and it's not wrong. It's just mine. I feel powerful breaking the labyrinth rules. Like I really am the hero of my own story.
This is me, un-becoming.
I am shedding the sandy ground of expectations and burdens and codependency that my relationships and my life have been built on. I need to deconstruct my life and myself all the way down to the ground so that the new foundation I build is true and solid.
This process of un-becoming the old me so that I can be transformed into the real me is going to be bumpy. I won't do it perfectly, and I'll make mistakes in relationships along the way. I'll learn and grow by falling down and getting back up. But I will not abandon myself again. I will not reject myself to save a relationship, even my marriage.
I would rather be hated for who I truly am, than loved for someone I never was meant to be.
I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea. I'd rather be the right people's glass of champagne anyway.
