As we approach the weather worn entryway and sticker-clad front door off the parking lot, I realize I need to adjust my expectations. This is not a date night destination kind of place. This is a neighborhood watering hole where North Portland folks come to get more-bang-for-their-buck Chinese food.
We place our To Go order in the bright restaurant portion with a petite, soft spoken woman with silky black hair and a sweet smile. We decide to wait with a drink in our hands, so we walk through a set of saloon doors leading us to the noisy, dark lounge. Video poker screens light the path to the bar where the lone bartender sports a messy bun, red lumberjack flannel, and modern, thick, cat eye glasses. Her hardy laugh glides over the noise and stands out."She's like an evil Lisa Loeb," Eric says.
"Heeyy!" I greet the eccentric bartender with a larger-than-life personality as we take our seats at the bar, "How's your night going?"
With an exaggerated groan, she exclaims, "Let me demonstrate how my night is going!" We watch, wide-eyed, as she grabs a long knife from the counter, turns it on herself, and pretends to plunge the sword-knife into her belly, Samurai suicide style, then brings the knife to her neck to act out slitting her own throat with a flourish. Once her imaginary suicide attempt is complete, she calls over, "What'll ya have?" as she pours a beer for another customer and hands it to him.
"Can I get a Hot Toddy please?" I ask sweetly.
Letting her knees buckle to demonstrate how physically exhausting it can be to create a Hot Toddy, she half-jokingly exclaims, "Oh God, you with your Hot Toddies!" (For those of you following along, this is my first visit, and I've have never met this character before.)
An older gentleman walks in from outside and our bartender shouts towards him, "Oh, and then there's this asshole!" The 'asshole' freezes in the doorway with a confused, 'what did I do??' look on his face. "What'll it be, John?" Asshole John sheepishly approaches the bar, making me wonder if he's also witnessed her Samurai knife skills.She serves several regulars their beers and re-fills some shot glasses before she gets around to our order. I can overhear her chatting with the customer next to us about my drink as she pours honey and squeezes fresh lemon, "I don't know if she's gonna like this. If she doesn't, then she doesn't have to order it again!" All four of us burst out laughing. "I had to go all the way across the Great Wall of China to get this hot water! There's now a two ingredient limit on drinks here, including the ice!" Her throaty chuckle pierces through the music.
A bell rings and she abruptly stops serving the customer in front of her and laments, "Oh! I gotta go get that food before they kill me!" And leaves the man standing in front of his opened, unpaid for beer.
I suddenly hear a female voice over my shoulder and I turn to see the bartender standing behind me, "Did you ever just really want to hear a horrible song play really loudly? This is the song! This is it!" I fake a laugh and she walks away to deliver more food.
Eric pouts a little, feeling judged, "There's nothing wrong with Rage Against The Machine."
Eric and I chat while we sip our drinks and wait for our To Go order, then the sound of Evil Lisa Loeb's voice carries over to us. "I just like to hear you say 'Dickel'," She says to a whiskey fan, "I'll give you a Dickel for a nickle if you tickle my pickle," she coos, and gives her hips a little seductive shake. The whiskey fan awkwardly tries to pay so he can leave.
Unfortunately, we also reluctantly overhear bits of a conversation about something "Smelling like crotch... sauerkraut... a can of sardines..." *shudder* We try to talk louder to drown out the rest of the topic.
Suddenly, she's standing in front of us, staring Eric down, "Ya gonna pay, or what?" Eric grabs for his wallet as I look around for a ticket, "I didn't give you a bill. Ya don't get that kind of service here. But it's $9. At least it's under $10!" Eric mumbles some agreement and hands her the card.
The entire ride home, we take turns quoting our strange bartender."She's like a character from a movie!" Eric quite accurately observes. She wins for the most Portland bartender I have ever encountered.
Happy House Chinese Restaurant and Lounge can absolutely expect us back next time we have a hankering for Chinese. The food is edible, and the entertainment interesting!
If you'd like to have your very own Happy House Chinese Restaurant and Lounge experience, you can find the Evil Lisa Loeb Lumberjack at 4234 N. Interstate Ave. in Portland, Oregon.
