Monday, August 6, 2012

Heartbroken


Sometimes life throws something so big at you that time stands still for months.

When you finally remember to look up, you sincerely wonder how the rest of the world has just keep going, as if this life-altering event never occurred. 

Something so traumatic that it changes how you keep time.

All other events are now remembered as "before" or "after" it happened.

You can tell by your Facebook page that it's changed you forever - that part of you died with them.

Your own status updates from the days before are too happy, or complaining about something so trivial that you're embarrassed and contemplate deleting them.


After it happened, I couldn't stand the color red because it reminded me of blood.

I hated the dark and the night. I only slept during the day.

I wouldn't leave the house at all, unless it was to go to court or the police station.

Once I was able to leave the house, I would drive miles out of my way to avoid having to drive by the place it happened.


"Time heals all things" feels like a lie.
You're faced with a never-ending stream of flowers, cards, phone calls, doorbells, and casseroles in dishes you'll have to return.
Well-meaning people tell you they "understand", as if they ever could.
And then as if to prove it, they tell you their own terrible story.
Or worse, they offer you the advice of "moving on" or "getting past this".


But then there's a few people who you realize actually do understand like no one else can.
They've stood in the exact spot you're in now and they somehow came out the other side.
Forever altered, but alive, offering hope that you will survive this, too.

I was once asked if time really does heal all things.
I didn't know how to answer - how to offer hope and honesty in the same sentence.
I finally answered, "Time changes things."
You may never feel fully healed, but you won't always feel so raw.
You never get over it.
And every loss after that seems to compound on top of that one big one.
You feel like you'll never be okay again.
The "okay" you're expecting belongs to the person you were before it happened.
But there is a new normal, a new "okay" ahead for the person you are now.
And you will find it.

One day you'll find that you've learned to breathe again.

I remember one day realizing that I hadn't thought about it at all for an entire day.
I felt confused and guilty, like I had inadvertently betrayed someone I love.

It's been 9 years now.

It's okay that I don't think about it for days.

It's also okay that I remember.

It's okay that I talk about it.

And it's okay that I'm still heartbroken.


But it's okay that I'm happy.

It's okay that I live.


I don't pretend to know why God allows terrible things to happen.
All I know is that He is a loving Father who loved you so much that He didn't even spare His only Son's life in order to be with you again. He is a God who knows your agony first hand and He wants desperately to comfort you in your grief


Click here for an article on Dealing With Greif: Five Things NOT To Say And Five Things To Say In A Trauma Involving Children


He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 1 Corinthians 1:4


He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. Revelation 21:4


Parents Of Murdered Children: pomc.com



This song has reminded me of my sister, Cassondra Brown 1984-2003, since the first time I heard it shortly after her death: 




A beautiful perspective from a woman who was at the midnight showing of Batman with her two daughters.