green-eyed monster

Confessions of a Genevieve:
I prefer to only let you see the best of me.
Sure, sometimes I tell you about my mistakes and most pathetic moments, but it's almost always after I've come through them and I've learned some great wisdom and I'm looking good again.

So let's try something new: I am a hot mess right now.

A few months ago we lost our baby.
"The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!”
We grieved the loss of our baby, but we know that God can be trusted and I thought my heart was good and I was at peace.

And then I saw a friend's facebook photo:
a positive home pregnancy test.

The real state of my heart was exposed.
I cried out to the Lord in my jealousy and envy,
"Lord, she has two babies under the age of 2! What about me?!"

And then last week a friend of mine sat in my living room and said, "I'm 9 weeks pregnant."

I burst into tears.
Of course I'm happy for her!
And yet I can't help wishing it was me.
After praying through it I thought I was good again.

But today... her facebook post:
"Today, I am grateful for a bun in the oven."
And she had a link to her beautiful blog post on the same subject.
I started sobbing and have only recently stopped sobbing.

Wait, no. Still sobbing.

I can't fix this envy in me. Only God can.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

UPDATES:

#1: Someone Is Missing

#2: Naming Hadassah
#3: I Got To Hear Her Cry

If this is all TMI, you have Jon Acuff to thank: How to find a great waiter (and be a great blogger)

Evil Lisa Loeb and the Chinese Dive Bar

A post-coitus craving for Chinese food led my husband and I to Happy House Chinese Restaurant and Lounge , where their website boasts, "Happy House Happy Bar Happy Food Happy friendly People!" As we approach the weather worn entryway and sticker-clad front door off the parking lot, I realize I need to adjust my expectations. This is not a date night destination kind of place. This is a neighborhood watering hole where North Portland folks come to get more-bang-for-their-buck Chinese food. We place our To Go order in the bright restaurant portion with a petite, soft spoken woman with silky black hair and a sweet smile. We decide to wait with a drink in our hands, so we walk through a set of saloon doors leading us to the noisy, dark lounge. Video poker screens light the path to the bar where the lone bartender sports a messy bun, red lumberjack flannel, and modern, thick, cat eye glasses. Her hardy laugh glides over the noise and stands out. "She's like an evil ...

Someone Is Missing.

Fear. Hope. Sadness. Joy. Loss. Life. I feel like I don't have a right to feel the way I do. We lost our baby last July. No one knows what to say to that. I know I didn't. Heck, I still don't. Some people tried to be sensitive, but usually ended up prying too much and bringing it up when I didn't want them to. Most people mumbled an "I'm sorry," and continued as if nothing had happened. In a culture where abortion is normalized, it sometimes feels like first term miscarriages aren't considered a real tragedy. But they are. Our baby died. After a lot of crying, I started pretending like it didn't happen. I was really good at that. Too good. 6 months later, I was sound asleep and I heard a baby cry so clearly that my eyes popped open! I took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning and it was positive! Then came the fear . I was afraid to be intimate with my husband. I held my breath every time I had to use th...

You Made Love Leave

She poured every ounce of her soul into loving you. She would have stood by you and loved you forever. But you couldn’t take it. Pure Love was too much for you. But instead of finding healing for yourself to be able to accept Love, you left her. You left her for years. Decades even. You left her in a thousand little ways every single day. You left her in such big, undoable ways that no one would have blamed her for leaving you back. But she stayed. And is he loved hard enough to make up for what you couldn’t give. She stayed because that’s what Love does. She turned towards you because that’s what Love does. She held you while you confessed and cried because that’s what Love does. She saw her partner in distress and she loved you and she stayed. And in repayment for her affection and steadfastness, you made her cry. You broke her heart. You broke your vows. You broke your home. You broke your promises. You broke her hope. You didn’t believe you could be so thoroughly l...

Let It Burn

It’s official. The divorce is final. I am untethered. No longer a wife. No longer a “Mrs.” No longer able to afford to stay home with the kids. No longer able to look forward to being an empty nester who finally gets to put herself first. No longer picturing sitting on the porch in the morning with coffee and the husband of my youth. I am adrift. I float through several days of sobbing and drinking and not getting out of bed and not wanting to go home and forgetting to feed myself and overeating and sleeping too much and not being able to sleep. I send regretful text messages compulsively, knowing I shouldn’t. Knowing I should practice self care rather than lashing out. But I ignore my wiser, saner voice and send them all anyway. I am flailing. I am suffering. And I do not go quietly. I do not apologize for saying out loud what I’ve been keeping secret for years.What do I have to lose now? Not my marriage. That’s been lost. Exhausted from days or wee...

Genevieve C. West

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