Thursday, August 30, 2012

Naming Hadassah

I love our baby-in-utero just as much as we love our little one that we lost last July.

But the grief from losing the baby we were supposed to meet last March has been getting in the way of being excited about the one we'll meet in October.

We named her. 
Ellie, short for Eleanor Anne. 

And Evie and I took inventory of all our old baby gear.

Then Eric and I went to Target to do a baby registry
That lasted maybe 15 minutes.

I realized later that I steered clear of all the cute baby clothes and stuck to the essentials: diapers, wipes, butt paste.

I think I just didn't want to imagine Ellie in tiny little socks until I see those little feet kicking for myself. 

I don't think the problem is that I'm not excited about Ellie.
I think the problem is that I haven't mourned for our baby who died.

At first it was hard imagining even having a baby shower for Ellie.
It felt wrong to celebrate a new life when I haven't even acknowledged this other little life that was so short.

When we lost her, I wanted so badly to pretend like it didn't happen.
I wanted to forget her.
I wanted to ignore the baby that I only carried in my womb for a little while, not realizing that I would carry her in my heart anyway, no matter how much I denied her existence.

But she was ours just as much as Ellie is.

We named her, too.

I wonder if I'll always miss Hadassah. 
I wonder if, like I did last March, I'll think of her every year, knowing that her birthday would have been written right next to Evie's on the calendar.

But I do feel a little better already.
Hadassah's death isn't overshadowing Ellie's life anymore.
I feel free to love and remember Hadassah, even though I never got to know her.
And I finally feel free to celebrate Ellie.

For the first time since I've been pregnant with Ellie, I really am excited to meet her in just a few weeks!! 

Eric surprised me by bringing the bassinet and changing table into our bedroom.
I started a new registry at and this time I was able to visualize having a little baby in the house and everything I'd need and want for the little critter!

I finally feel like God is healing my heart and I am so thankful.
I can't wait to introduce you to Ellie soon!

Previous Post: Someone Is Missing
UPDATE: I Got To Hear Her Cry

"Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. And it will be a memorial to the LORD, For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off."
Isaiah 55:13