Eff this. I'm going back on Zoloft

Last December, I wrote a post called The "D" Word (which you can read here) about my depression.

My doctor, my husband, and I decided to try Zoloft.

After just a few days, my husband noticed a difference in me, even before I did.

It's now August, and for the first time in my life, I really like who I am. 

• I like who I am!
• I feel like I've finally become the Genevieve I was supposed to have been all along.
• I can think more clearly.
• My writing just flows out of me.
• I can pray.
• By God's grace, I can sense The Spirit even more clearly.
• I'm happy with my body just the way it is.
• I don't feel like every little not-good thing throughout the day, from dirty diapers, to tantrums, to bank statements, to haters, compound one on top of another, sending me spiraling into a funk. 

I was genuinely fearful of stopping Zoloft, afraid that I'd go back to the place where I was when I started it. But, thanks to Jon Acuff's START Experiment, I decided to punch that fear in the face and, under my doctor's supervision, wean off of it. When I announced it via facebook to the START community, I was literally shaking.

What a hot mess that ended up being!

I think my facebook status update said something like,
"Eff this. I'm going back on Zoloft."

But it doesn't have a hold on me any more. 

I'm no longer fearful of stopping Zoloft, when the time comes.

(It was never supposed to be a forever thing, and I don't want to be on it if we become pregnant again)

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this Genevieve.

Anxiety/Depression... The Church's Dirty Little Secret

by Carlos Whittaker

Three Years Of Treating Depression Successfully

by Shaun Groves

I can dish it out, but I can't take it.

I've noticed a bit of an annoying conundrum in myself:

My opinions, and my style of expressing those opinions, seem to piss people off.

Though I am assured in my reasoning, having to defend my beliefs to anyone, even folks genuinely asking for clarification, causes me so much distress that it often takes me days to recover, and I find that it's challenging to function in daily life, leaving me questioning:

Why has God given me this feistiness to speak up, but allowed me to experience this timidity in defending it?

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

I know I'm not always right.

In fact, I'm never going to be ALL right. 

Everything will be skewed by my experiences, my biases, and because I'm a fallen creature.

Just because I've formed a belief based on what God has revealed to me, does NOT necessarily mean that I'm right in my conclusion. 

In fact, I'm pretty certain that The Spirit will reveal more to me in the future, which will almost definitely change, or at the very least tweak, my current stance. I will be in this process until the day I die. It's what we call "sanctification," Christ changing us bit by bit, more and more into His image.

Some of these changes have  been so drastic, I compare them to a pendulum swinging.
As God reveals His Truths to me, my belief and actions will sometimes swing WAY the other way! 

I'm sure it can be quite startling to acquaintances who are not in my life enough to know that I've had a revelation, but observe the crazy swings!

I'm certainly not shy about expressing what God has revealed, or how it's changed me.

And, like I said, many of these opinions and how they play out, sometimes rub folks the wrong way. 

So, should I stop?

Nope.

I'm sure Paul pissed off more than a few people when he wished they'd cut off their own penises (Galations 5:12).

Or when Isaiah broke it to them that all of their good deeds were like showing off used tampons, saying to God, "aren't you proud of my achievement?". (Isaiah 64:6)

I think my inability to challenge or accept criticism is because some part of me isn't fully believing in and resting in the fullness of the Gospel. 

"God is gracious, so I don't have to prove myself.

God is glorious, so I don't have to fear others.

God is great, so I don't have to be in control.

God is good, so I don't have to look elsewhere."

I don't expect you to coddle me. 

I need to learn how to do this thing.

But I would remind you to approach others in love, not knowing where they are in their walk with The Lord, ya know?