Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Shattered By Words

In one of my recent posts entitled "I Can Dish It Out But I Can't Take It" (which you can read HERE), I talked about this thing that happens when I'm called to defend my writing. 

It's this debilitating panic that rushes through me. 
Even an innocent request for clarification makes my heart pound and my face flush. 

I'm still questioning why this is happening! 
It's embarrassing and annoying! 

I'm pretty sure that my inability to accept criticism comes across as "prideful" or "arrogant". 
I'm sure because I've been accused of it.

And though I know I have plenty of room to grow in putting on the humility of Christ, this isn't coming from a place of pride!
It comes from a place of knowing I'll be crushed under the weight of opposition, so I run and hide to protect myself, to protect my heart.

Like I said, embarrassing. 

I think it's because I'm pouring my heart out on paper. 
It sucks when someone stomps on your heart, ya know? 

I'm more vulnerable in my writing than in any social situation. 
You will see more of me in my writing than you will anywhere else. Ever. 
Every time I write, I punch that fear of rejection and judgement in the face and click "publish". 
So when there's push back on my writing, there's push back on ME.
Uncomfortable much? 

But God has made me to write. 
The words flow out of me. 
I need to get those thoughts into words, like I need food or water or air... or hyperbole. 

In that last post, I wrote, 
I think my inability to challenge or accept criticism is because some part of me isn't fully believing in and resting in the fullness of the Gospel. 

"God is gracious, so I don't have to prove myself.
God is glorious, so I don't have to fear others.
God is great, so I don't have to be in control.
God is good, so I don't have to look elsewhere."
I'm still figuring this out as I go.
I can't stop writing. 
I can't stop being vulnerable in my writing. 

But, by God's grace, I need to be able to handle people's comments. I need to not be shattered every time comments come. It just extra sucks when it comes from unexpected places.