Wednesday, November 9, 2011

green-eyed monster

Confessions of a Genevieve:
I prefer to only let you see the best of me.
Sure, sometimes I tell you about my mistakes and most pathetic moments, but it's almost always after I've come through them and I've learned some great wisdom and I'm looking good again.

So let's try something new:  I am a hot mess right now.

A few months ago we lost our baby.
"The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!”
We grieved the loss of our baby, but we know that God can be trusted and I thought my heart was good and I was at peace.

And then I saw a friend's facebook photo:
a positive home pregnancy test.

The real state of my heart was exposed. 
I cried out to the Lord in my jealousy and envy, 
"Lord, she has two babies under the age of 2! What about me?!"

And then last week a friend of mine sat in my living room and said, "I'm 9 weeks pregnant."
I burst into tears. 
Of course I'm happy for her! 
And yet I can't help wishing it was me.
After praying through it I thought I was good again.

But today... her facebook post:
"Today, I am grateful for a bun in the oven." 
And she had a link to her beautiful blog post on the same subject.
I started sobbing and have only recently stopped sobbing. 

Wait, no. Still sobbing.

I can't fix this envy in me. Only God can.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.


If this is all TMI, you have Jon Acuff to thank: How to find a great waiter (and be a great blogger)