Genevieve C. West

All The Single Ladies

Rule #1 if you insist on reading past this point: Don't get pissed.

Don't become defensive and have an argument in your head with me, or worse - go into a rage and write a comment full of colorful expletives for all to see. If one of these categories really gets under your skin, chances are that it's because it hit a nerve and I hope you pray on it.

You've been warned.
Proceed at your own risk:

Does it seem like everyone around you is getting married and having babies and you secretly (or not so secretly) hope that you'll be next?

Small problem: You're still single!

You could keep telling yourself that you just haven't found the right one who appreciates you for you...
Or we can take an objective peek at why you might still be single so that when a good man comes along, you won't get in your own way and miss out on the love of your life.

1. Are you a woman who knows what she wants? 6' tall, dark hair, six figure income, marathon runner. No matter how long or short your laundry list of must-haves is, you'll never fully appreciate a man for who God created him to be if you're busy comparing him to your list. NIX THE LIST. The only things on your list should be their character and their values. When his values align with yours and his character is worthy of respect, you might have found a catch!

2. As a modern single woman, you're at the center of your own universe. It doesn't matter how many critters call you "mama", or how often you volunteer at the soup kitchen. Your world revolves around you. Your career, your workout schedule, your sleep. You can't help it, YOU'RE SELFISH. In fact, even if you think you're NOT selfish, marriage (and then motherhood!) will prove otherwise. I promise. Try being more interrupt-able. Stop being so fascinating and try listening more, talking less, and asking more questions.

3. Do you have a very strong or dominant personality? Are you passionate about politics or a cause? Are you really great at setting firm boundaries? Are you highly intelligent and enjoy debating or sharing opinions? Chances are, men are mistaking those qualities for ANGER. Try to tone it down a bit. Don't play dumb or compromise healthy boundaries, but try adding a little sweetness and humility to your tone and see how it goes.

4. There's not really a delicate way to put this: STOP HOOKING UP. Oxytocin is the enemy. Google it. When you give yourself physically, even if you're not going "all the way", Oxytocin makes you think the jerk you're making out with is your Prince Charming. Before marriage, sex is your secret weapon: When you tell him that you want to wait and he respects your choice, he's a prince. Even if he's not YOUR prince, the man deserves your respect. On the other hand, if he keeps pushing a little further, or if he gets all aggro when you say stop, the guy's an ass. Save yourself future heartache and move on, honey.

5. The guy you're goo-goo for doesn't want a relationship but he's fine with a booty call and you're all like, "yeah, me too", hoping he'll see the awesomeness of you and you'll be the one to make him change his mind. First of all, STOP LYING TO YOURSELF, and to him. Second, see #4 above. Oxytocin, baby. Seriously, go Google it.

6. Maybe you're making minimum wage, trying to land a doctor. Maybe you're 40, trying to attract a twentysomething. You rely on public transportation, but want a man who drives a car... preferably a new, shiny one. Sweetie, I suggest you stop being a JUDGMENTAL HYPOCRITE and start looking at the man's character qualities instead of the superficial.

7. Are you trying to MARRY UP? I know that might sound harsh, but why are you looking for someone who isn't your equal? You don't need someone with a better job, higher income, better looking, or more fit. You need the right fit for YOU. Stop being a fish trying to marry a bird. Chances are, you're overlooking the perfect fish for you while you're busy trying to keep your scales from showing. You ARE good enough. Just the way you are - for the right guy. Find someone who will see that and bring out the best in you.

Was I too hard?
Don't be mad.
I hope you understand my heart is for you to find the love of your life, and to live happily ever after with him.
If a little tough love has to happen in order for you to have your happy beginning, then so be it.
Now go find you a prince!

A great read:

Finding Your Prince In A Sea Of Toads:

How To Find A Guy Without Getting Your Heart Shredded

By Dr. Kenneth Ryan

Fifty Shades of Christian

Yes, I've read Fifty Shades of Grey.

And I am a Christian.

I'll wait a second for the shock to pass...

...Ya done?

A couple of disclaimers:

First, I strongly encourage people to be discriminating about what they're putting into their heads.

There are certainly some things I've read or seen that I wish I could un-know.

Second, I want to be very careful that folks don't think I'm suggesting they read these books, 'cause I'm certainly not.

That said...

I've read several articles and blog posts on Christian's reactions to the "50 Shades" trilogy.
Descriptions like "mommy porn" and "trap of Satan" come to mind.

The world is watching to see how Christians engage with real, uncomfortable, and messy issues.

If we are shocked by a little erotica for the ladies and trying to make the readers feel ashamed and judged, how are we to be trusted by someone who is in a BDSM relationship?

Way to alienate folks even more.

I've also seen clever blog titles about how God is "black and white" so they're denouncing "Grey".

And that's where my problem lies.

God is righteous and just and perfect and His law is absolutely "black and white."
... Which is why Christ had to die.

When Christ came, he showed us how wrong we really are.
That our hearts are completely filled with darkness.

Even the good stuff we do that we brag about is like showing off a nasty used tampon to God saying, "Look what I did!"

Our situation is way more hopeless than we even know.

Humans tried for generations to live by God's black and white laws and found it to be impossible, which is why Christ had to come and save our rears by living the life we could not live and by taking the punishment that we deserve.

Because of this, because of Christ's sacrifice in taking our punishment for us, because of mercy, because of grace, there is no black and white with Christ. All of life is just one great big grey area now, causing us to rely on the Spirit constantly.

While God's Truth is constant, He doesn't reveal all of it, to all of us, all at once. And what He speaks to one will not necessarily be true for another.

So how can I judge what's right or wrong for another person, especially on some of these "iffy" subjects, if the Lord hasn't convicted them of it?

OR... maybe He hasn't revealed something to me that they've already grasped. Which is why we need to ask Him for wisdom.

My husband and I found nothing wrong with me having the freedom to read whatever poorly written, slightly disturbing literature I chose.

But I don't fault other women for choosing for themselves to steer clear of such graphic writing. In fact, I applaud them.

However...

Try not to put your personal convictions on others.
What is okay for some is not okay for others.
What is bad for some is not bad for others.
What is good for some is not good for others.

Christians should of course hear what the Lord is convicting them of and obey... but they should NOT expect that conviction to be true for all Christians, let alone all people.

Have patience and compassion for each other.

What is now a black and white issue with you may eventually change, based on what God reveals to you in the future, and then you'll have some apologizing to do to the people you judged for not being on the same page as you.
I'm totally speaking from experience, and I want to save you the embarrassment.

Sex, Food and Fifty Shades of Grey

An insightful blog post by Jonalyn Grace Fincher

In Memory Of My Beautiful, Annoying Little Sister

Dear Cassie,

It's coming up on a decade without you.

I've been thinking of you a lot recently.
Too many things remind me of you lately.

A good friend lost her brother.
A friend from high school lost her sister.
They just found Whitney Heichel.

It's almost your birthday.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Innocence"

It's bitter sweet, but I always think of Buffy's 17th birthday when her mom lights the birthday candle:

Joyce:  Happy Birthday. I don't have to sing, do I?


Buffy:  (looks down at her hands) No.

Joyce:  (indicates the burning candle) Well, go on, make a wish.


Buffy stares at it for a long moment.

Buffy:  I'll just let it burn.

Watching Ringer reminds me too much of you and how much you loved Sarah Michelle Gellar.
You look a little like her to me sometimes.

Ellie - 7 days old

You have a new niece... who will never know you.
That makes three now.
You would have loved having three nieces!

Evie (11) and Kaylie (almost 3) Photo by Wickliffe Photography

Evie reminds me so much of you sometimes, it's both eerie and annoying. She has a compassionate heart, a need for justice, and a creative mind, like you.

You would have loved Kaylie's sense of humor and her need to run.

And Ellie's exaggerated expressions and surprising sudden outbursts.

I wish you and Eric had met.
You wouldn't believe what a wonderful husband and father he is.
I wonder if you would have appreciated his sense of humor.
I think you would have either loved it or not gotten it and hated it and been hostile toward him. lol

I miss you.

So many happy memories, sad thoughts, things and people that you're missing because you're gone.
People that are missing out on you.

I feel cheated that I only got to meet an incomplete version of you.
You didn't get the chance to grow and change and settle into yourself, like the rest of us.

You'll always be beautiful and young and free.

There was a part of you that was just too beautiful for this world.

I love you.
"Sisters Forever"

CassieBrown.org

Heartbroken

I Got To Hear Her Cry

Ellie, 4 days old

You wouldn't think I'd need a reminder, but I did.

In my post "Someone Is Missing", I told how, after losing our baby six months earlier, I was sound asleep and I heard a baby cry so clearly that my eyes popped open.

I took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning and it was positive.

Ellie, 4 days old

Although I felt from the beginning that this was God's promise to me that I would hear this baby cry, I doubted constantly.

I needed no help remembering to say, "God willing," when talking about having the baby.

What I needed more of was hope.

And the reminder that God had given me a promise when I audibly heard that baby cry that night.

And God keeps His promises.

Ellie, one week old - Photo by Wickliffe Photography

Just after 3am Saturday, the contractions woke me up and were 5 minutes apart, 60 seconds long.

We quickly realized this was happening faster than expected!

We arrived at the hospital just before 7am.

Eleanor Anne was born at

8:20am Saturday, September 29th, 2012

21&1/2 inches, 7&1/2lbs, and lots of hair!

7 day old Ellie with Dad & Mom - Photo by Wickliffe Photography

Tonight while we listened to our 12 day old baby Ellie making little sleepy noises, Eric reminded me that God kept His promise:

I got to hear her cry.

Ellie with big sisters Evie, 11 (left) & Kaylie, almost 3

Social Taboos & Baby Showers... I call bullshit.

What was a "social norm" is now archaic.
What was "taboo" is now acceptable.

But the same is NOT true for baby showers...

And I call bullshit.

Why is it still a faux pas for a mom-to-be to plan her own shower?

Baby showers are evolving:

They used to be hen parties, but today's men are getting in on the action, too - and rightly so, since without them there would be no baby!

"Couple's Baby Showers" and men's "Poker For Pampers" are becoming more common.

Veteran moms are foregoing "Showers" and are opting for "Baby Sprinkles" or "Blessingways" since they already have the essentials.

Eco-savvy moms-to-be are relying on the internet for invitations, RSVP's, and even "Thank You" notes, which I'm sure my Aunt Vivian will eventually have a stroke over.

So with so many Baby Shower norms being broken, why am I holding to some antiquated rule that says I can't throw a party to celebrate my own baby's life just because she's still in utero?

After all, I planned my own wedding.

I plan my own birthday parties.

I plan all of my kid's birthday parties, too.

Because LIFE deserves to be CELEBRATED!

I only have 2 weeks before I'm due to give birth to this wonderful little parasite who's sucking the life, energy and youth out of me.

So I Googled throwing my own baby shower and I was saddened by how many moms-to-be who are silently waiting for someone to offer to plan a Baby Shower because they're afraid of what other women will think of them if they do it themselves.

I'm all for tradition, but when a social norm starts injuring feelings and breaking hearts, then I think it's time to throw it out, like so many others before it.

I also realized something about my friendships during all this:
When a friend of mine is expecting, I assume that someone she's closer to will offer to throw the shower.
And if I never get a shower invitation then I assume it was a small event and that I didn't make the cut. It NEVER occurred to me before that maybe she just didn't have a shower and was as sad as I am right now.

Honestly, I didn't expect a baby shower for our third daughter!
...BUT...
Brace yourself, here's another taboo: talking about a miscarriage and a baby shower in the same sentence...

Because we lost our baby Hadassah, I spent most of this pregnancy not in excited anticipation, but in anxiety and sadness.
It somehow felt wrong to celebrate Ellie's upcoming arrival when I hadn't even acknowledged Hadassah's life or death at all.

After Eric helped me get some closure, I'm finally excited about welcoming Ellie into our family!
And it feels wonderful!

So celebrating my growing belly and Ellie's life has become about so much more than a baby registry or pastel decorations.

A "Baby Shower", for lack of a better term, is all about being thankful for this season of carrying our baby, and about cherishing Ellie for who she is.

I don't want to wait until she's born - she's alive right now!

And I want her celebrated.

So, no offense to Emily Post, but this mama will be planning her own baby celebration... even if I do only have two weeks before my due date...
No pressure...

"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use." -Emily Post

Naming Hadassah

I love our baby-in-utero just as much as we love our little one that we lost last July.

But the grief from losing the baby we were supposed to meet last March has been getting in the way of being excited about the one we'll meet in October.

So...

We named her.

Ellie, short for Eleanor Anne.

And Evie and I took inventory of all our old baby gear.

Then Eric and I went to Target to do a baby registry.
That lasted maybe 15 minutes.

I realized later that I steered clear of all the cute baby clothes and stuck to the essentials: diapers, wipes, butt paste.

I think I just didn't want to imagine Ellie in tiny little socks until I see those little feet kicking for myself.

I don't think the problem is that I'm not excited about Ellie.

I think the problem is that I haven't mourned for our baby who died.

At first it was hard imagining even having a baby shower for Ellie.

It felt wrong to celebrate a new life when I haven't even acknowledged this other little life that was so short.

When we lost her, I wanted so badly to pretend like it didn't happen.

I wanted to forget her.

I wanted to ignore the baby that I only carried in my womb for a little while, not realizing that I would carry her in my heart anyway, no matter how much I denied her existence.

But she was ours just as much as Ellie is.

So...

We named her, too.

Hadassah.

I wonder if I'll always miss Hadassah.

I wonder if, like I did last March, I'll think of her every year, knowing that her birthday would have been written right next to Evie's on the calendar.

But I do feel a little better already.

Hadassah's death isn't overshadowing Ellie's life anymore.

I feel free to love and remember Hadassah, even though I never got to know her.

And I finally feel free to celebrate Ellie.

For the first time since I've been pregnant with Ellie, I really am excited to meet her in just a few weeks!!

Eric surprised me by bringing the bassinet and changing table into our bedroom.
I started a new registry at MyRegistry.com and this time I was able to visualize having a little baby in the house and everything I'd need and want for the little critter!

I finally feel like God is healing my heart and I am so thankful.
I can't wait to introduce you to Ellie soon!

Previous Post: Someone Is Missing
UPDATE: I Got To Hear Her Cry

"Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. And it will be a memorial to the LORD, For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off."
Isaiah 55:13